As a parent, the idea of sending my child into the world unprepared makes me cringe. I’ve taught him to budget, to cook, to plan ahead and make sound choices, though he’s yet to experience any of this without the safety net of mom.
Recently, however, he made his first move into the world unaided. The world of relationships.
It was a hard moment to realize that my son, while still growing and maturing in many ways, has formed a bond with another person, beyond shooting Nerf targets at the television at least. I thought I would have at least a few more years before confronting these issues. But these issues were my own, and I firmly believe that a happy, healthy relationship with another person cannot be possible for him unless he is allowed to grow at his own pace.
That said, the rationality behind it didn’t stop the deer-in-headlights feeling I had when I spotted them holding hands. It was a pivotal moment as a mother, to decide whether to intercede this rambunxious lawlessness, or accept that my own fears for him were highlighted with all new fears. I’ve been there. This path could lead to limitless possibilities and I could see them all unfolding before me. My mother-bear mode kicked in full-blast. The boy I had raised to think for himself and trust in himself was doing just that. I wanted to yank him aside and quickly tell him everything we hadn’t talked about yet. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him. I didn’t trust what he didn’t know yet. But I had also raised him not to shy away from life, that experiences – both good and bad – are gifts that can educate and guide us.
Teenagers today have a plethora of mixed messages regarding healthy, long-term relationships. Television, music, peers and adults can all offer distorted versions of how to get, maintain and enjoy a healthy relationship, if they even offer these messages at all. After seeing someone watch porn on his cell phone at a bus stop, I became fully aware just how powerful knowledge of the world is in the palm of our hands. Atlas would be pleased, at least, but as a single parent I questioned whether I had given my child the gift of reasoning, to have an open mind and do the right thing. Especially at a public bus stop.
People haven’t changed and neither have the times. What’s changed drastically in the last couple generations are the dangers out there, though they are no less scary. My philosophy has always been to educate, inform, and offer choices while never sugar-coating the of each choice.
Talking about relationships and sex and everything that goes with the impending doom of adulthood can be very scary, especially for single parents who may carry the weight of their child’s entire future through their own examples. Though the most important conversations to have can be the most uncomfortable, not having them can be far more painful. Our educational system sticks to the biological differences between the genders, not the sociological or emotional connections we make with each other. An increase in sex buddies without relationships may be an increasingly popular choice among young adults, it also leaves less chance of discussing sexual histories with a partner or partners.
I am acutely aware of all the dangers he faces in the world. I am also aware of all the things I wish I could have said sooner, the conversations I wanted to have but which froze up in the back of my throat. I also know he can get that information elsewhere, and I’d rather it came from me than unearthed from some wacky website. All the same, sheltering a child can lead to unhealthy discoveries and mistruths.
Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, especially for teenagers. What can be done, however, is to remember the reality of what life was like at their age, and to keep those lines of communication open, so that someday, when that deer-in-headlights feeling slaps a parent awake, it won’t be too late.
