By Alicia Rivero
A Perspective
Narcissists have been around for a long time.
In ancient Greek mythology Narcissus was a beautiful man so enamored of his appearance he fell in love with a reflection of himself in a pool of water and spent the rest of his life admiring it.
Narcissus would have lots of company today. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) affects at least 6.2 percent of the U.S. population, but the number is almost certainly higher. Narcissists, it seems, rarely seek help because they have convinced themselves they are wonderful.
Unfortunately, it is the people around them who suffer. Narcissistic Abuse is a recognized mental disorder but it is the people in relationships with narcissists who often take an emotional beating.
Julie L. Hall is the author of “The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free.” She said narcissism is underreported and damaging to a huge swath of Americans related to a narcissist or in a relationship with one.
“Narcissism has the dubious distinction of more often being treated for its traumatic impact on others than for the condition itself,” she said. “Narcissism is a sickness for which everyone but the patient is treated.”
Like many psychological maladies, NPD is not what it appears on the surface. Rather than the self-assured and confident people they project, narcissists are suppressing feelings of shame and guilt. Narcissism is a deep psychological coping mechanism which makes narcissists unable to feel empathy for others.
Emotionally stuck at a young child’s developmental level, narcissists are unable to develop a stable sense of self-definition and self-worth. To overcompensate for their deep-rooted sense of inadequacy, narcissists mask themselves behind a pretentious persona. They manipulate people to serve their need for validation. As long as their mental defense and their destructive behaviors help the narcissist stay away from connecting to genuine feelings of shame, guilt and pain, it does not matter how exploitative or abusive they are to others.
Victims of Narcissist Behavior
Narcissistic abuse can be emotional, psychological, physical, mental, spiritual, sexual or financial. Parents, partners, coworkers and friends who exhibit narcissistic traits can all inflict this type of abuse. Narcissistic abuse is usually progressive and hidden from the outside world, making it very difficult for victims to spot, according to Southwestern College Professor of Psychology Dr. Thomas Murray.
“Narcissists can be very charming,” he said. “They can be very funny, smart, charismatic, fun to be around and engaging. That’s what gets you hooked, that’s what gets you into the relationship. But over time their true colors come out.”
Narcissists often target people who give them admiration, affection and status. Victims are usually empathetic, kind and vulnerable, making them easier targets for a narcissist to manipulate and control, according to Hall. Over time victims may lose trust in themselves and their judgment.
“Your fundamental human rights have been violated,” she said. “Your dignity, integrity and basic freedoms have been crossed and curtailed in countless ways. This is why you feel beaten down, trapped, confused, angry, and sick in your soul and possibly your body. And making matters far worse is the fact that the person who violated your humanity is someone close to you—someone you have cared for and you thought cared for you.”
Weaponizing Hope
Murray said the most common reason victims stay in bad relationships is the hope they can change the perpetrator.
“The hope is what keeps you locked in,” he said. “It is the hope that they’re going to change and it keeps you involved.”
Murray said victims commonly think if they appease a narcissist and make them happy, the bad traits will subside and the attractive ones will resurface.
The ugly truth, he said, is that narcissists are unwilling to change. Narcissists lack self-awareness and avoid introspection. They are unable to acknowledge that they need to change because they think they are fine (and probably wonderful).
Damage done by narcissists can be intense. Victims may suffer complex post-traumatic stress disorder that can require years to recover from.
It takes time to recognize and accept the warning signs, Murray said, and it takes time to break free from the highs and lows victims unconsciously learn to crave.
“If it was just easy, then people would do it,” he said. “It’s not that easy.”
Mental health professionals have not caught up with diagnostics, said Hall.
“Many therapists do not understand or recognize NPD or the trauma that results from being around it,” she said.
Hall said a clean break with zero contact is best. If that is not possible, Murray recommends a strategy he calls “diversification of hope.”
“Instead of hoping you will change this narcissist, which is not going to happen, you diversify,” he said. “Maybe you go 50/50 or 80/20 and you start spending your hope on what makes you happy. Take some of that hope that you’re going to change them into hope that you can be the person you want to be.”
Murray said intelligent, kind people can get stuck in the toxic relationships wrought by narcissists, but powered by hope and courage, they can break free.
Narcissus the Greek hunter never could change and modern narcissists do not change either.
But there is hope.
Victims can change and can eventually leave the abusive narcissist staring alone into the pool of water.
