I was in my early 20s and wrought with anxiety the first time I pursued a sexual relationship with a woman. The encounter that ultimately happened involved too much alcohol on both of our parts and the inability to talk about our wants or needs afterward. It tore me apart. This experience helped me maintain an anxiety of same-sex intercourse for years despite my confidence in knowing my sexual orientation.
Though I am not perfect, I considered myself better than most at having frank conversations about relationships, sexual health, boundaries and desires despite having been raised in a conservative catholic environment. For reasons unbeknownst to me, this was different. I have now come to understand that it is a result of systemic biphobia which led to internalized anxiety.
Despite the wealth of information about sex on the internet, I found a disparity of information regarding bisexuals and sex between women in general. Studies show that bisexuals are more disadvantaged in health, happiness and socio-economic measures than both their straight and gay peers. Bisexuals experience erasure from heterosexuals and homosexuals alike and are often dismissed or discriminated against. We are pariahs to everyone. Many women who identify as lesbian flat out refuse to see bisexual women, citing beliefs that we will always choose men or that bisexuality simply does not exist.
Negative critiques and worries flooded me. If I was not “good enough” at homosexual intercourse with a woman, would she not take me seriously? I worried that I would be accused of being a “try-sexual” or “bar-sexual.” I worried that women would never pursue a relationship with me if I could not intuitively perform on first encounter, or that no woman would ever want to be my “first” or “deal with” an inexperienced lover. I felt the same sense of embarrassment, shame and rejection I did from my early days of Catholic education.
I felt doubly frustrated because I had done extensive research and found plenty of information on how to please men orally, but the information for pleasing women was not found in the same abundance.
There is limited research on bisexual women. I suspect though, judging by the amount of bisexual women who primarily date men, that most bisexual women “lose their virginity” in a heterosexual construct. I have heard testimonies from many bisexual women about their anxiety with “the second virginity.”
I believe young people are not only entitled to information which helps them stay medically safe sexually, but also that they are entitled to knowledge that helps them enjoy sex for all bodies, genders and orientations. As of now, only 13 states mandate medically accurate information to be taught in K-12 schools. California, thankfully, has one of the most progressive sex education laws in the nation. Still, very few schools teach any material on the safety and homosexual sex, let alone on more nuanced issues that impact LGBTQIA communities.
For many young people, pornography is a major source of sexual education. But mainstream heterosexual pornography does not model sexual activity enjoyable for women. I am pro-pornography, not pro-mainstream pornography. It is wrought with violence, degradation and an outright lack of representation of what women enjoy and need sexually. Bisexuals are often viewed as an accessory to a man’s threesome fantasy. What is most aggravating to me, “lesbian” porn commonly falls under the category of “gay for pay” and does not model realistic same-sex sexual activity either.
A mixture of misinformation, bi-phobia and unhealthy representation make navigating same-sex attraction for bisexuals extremely difficult. I wish that when I had my first same-sex encounter I had the clarity and understanding of these contributing factors that I do now. It would have certainly led to a healthier experience.
As I’ve ruminated on these factors, it has lessened my stress and anxiety around same-sex intercourse. I have learned that communication is key when it comes to anxiety with sexual partners. If you are a bisexual woman who is feeling anxious about the “gay virginity,” I encourage you to express this to your partner. You are not alone. Anyone who does not believe, support and trust bisexual women is not worth your time.
Unfortunately, biphobia is still prominent in the LGBTQIA community. Times are changing. There are plenty of potential partners who will love to explore, learn and teach with you healthily. It is okay to wait to find someone who values your lived experience as a bisexual. You deserve to have fun, safe and consensual gay sex.
