Counseling helped chart a better path

“I would rather kill myself than go to counseling.”

That was my response to a friend’s suggestion that I make an appointment. I felt anxiety simply discussing the topic, so I thought there was no way I would consider counseling.

Depression hit me like a high-speed train after a breakup. I entered my first relationship two years ago. I was blindsided the day he broke up with me via text message. I have always been slow to trust people, but I entrusted him with my heart and he crushed it. I felt as though he never actually cared about me. I felt worthless.

From grade school to high school I was constantly bullied. I was attacked for my appearance to my personality. I was told I was not enough.

I felt that the way my ex broke up with me validated everything I was told as a teenager.

I was ugly.

I was stupid.

I was boring.

I was devastated following the breakup and set a time limit for grieving. That did not work. My deadline to stop feeling sad came and went. I continued to feel as I did. It got to the point where I bottled up my emotions and it was noticeable to those around me.

Even though I knew I was depressed, I never wanted to speak with a counselor. I did not need a counselor. So I thought.

I eventually confided in my best friends. I never liked talking about my struggles because it made me feel like a helpless burden. Breaking down my wall and being vulnerable was a huge step in my process. Simply discussing something without the fear of being judged helped diminish the emotional pressure caused by keeping thoughts and feelings in.

I immediately disregarded counseling because my parents would not allow me to show emotion at a young age. They would be ashamed and disappointed in me. My father hated when I cried.

“Crying makes you ugly,” he said. “Be strong”

If he thought crying was embarrassing, how would he react to his daughter struggling with depression?

I was ashamed. I had to go to counseling for a stupid reason. People go through break ups all the time and are able to get through it without counseling. I should be able to deal with this on my own, I thought. Otherwise I would be seen as weak.

Worries about perception hung over me. Would professors find out I had gone to counseling and see me in a different light? Would students see me go into the Personal Wellness Center and make presumptions?

My friend Aubrey Lozano begged me to make an appointment at the Personal Wellness Center. He opened my eyes. I was infuriated and devastated. I was offended that he thought I needed professional help.

Deep down, though, I must have known I needed help. I was crying out for help, but stigma froze me. I wanted to stop feeling depressed. I needed to step up and make an appointment.

My friends are open-minded and willing to help, but they are not trained therapists. Having a strong support system is crucial, but counseling is more than that. It involves more than talking. Counselors are trained professionals who use therapeutic techniques to help students better understand who they are. They teach coping skills to help in everyday situations. They help students to develop a skillset to handle stress and make healthy decisions.

My friends walked me to the Personal Wellness Center for emotional support. I initially regretted going. I was upset and apprehensive the whole day. I was in denial.

I felt I was bothering my friends. They disagreed. They were happy to be there for me.

Only 50 percent of students disclose their mental health condition to their college, according to a 2012 report by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Fear is the top reason. That and worry about what others would think.

SWC’s counseling services are strictly confidential, though they are legally obligated to protect you or others from serious harm. Nothing will ever appear in your academic records. Professors, employers and graduate school will never see your counseling records. My family still has no idea I go to counseling.

In the same NAMI survey, 36 percent of college students considered stigma an existing barrier in accessing mental health services. SWC mental health professionals are aware of this and strive to make students feel safe and protected. Wellness Center counselors are strategically placed adjacent to the Transfer Center where students meet with academic counselors. Students and counselors routinely commingle, providing a degree of confidentiality.

I was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of discussing sensitive topics with a stranger when I can barely speak about them with friends. My friend, Gezell Custodio, sat in on the first sessions. I evolved from being closed off from my counselor to being more transparent and attending appointments on my own. I continue to struggle with depression, but counseling equipped me with strategies to help.

Counseling might not work for everyone, but it helps legions of students. Counseling is a relationship. Just like any relationship, there is a partnership. If the connection is not there, it is not a reflection on either party. Sometimes students need to meet different counselors before finding a good fit.

Pride prevents too many students from seeking help. Our culture has generated stigmas, but we need to ignore them and do what is right by us.

Mental health does not discriminate. It does not care about race, sex, religion or social-economic standing. We need to get to the point where someone talking about mental illness is no longer seen as brave, but routine.

Asking for help is a sign of maturity, strength and self-awareness. Go if times are dark. Go for preventative measures. Counseling is free for students.

No need to be prideful or stubborn. Counseling is a healthy choice.