Sex is the reason we are all here. It is the reason our parents are here, the reason George Washington, Amelia Earheart and Anne Frank ever existed. Sex is the desire and drive that keeps our species, and every species on this earth, in a constant state of growth.
Attraction is in the eye of the beholder and we spend billions each year improving what is beheld. Americans have different beauty standards than the rest of the world, but when one’s view is generally focused on derrières and breasts all day, one tends to get a very different perspective on what’s hot and what’s not.
I have done many lectures on disability sexuality – coined “gimp sex” by those comfortable enough to discuss it. Surprises abound. Question #1 is, can they do it?
Absolutely.
One of the biggest barriers to disability sexuality is the concept that people with disabilities are not sexually approachable or attractive. American society focuses on appearances, how we move in the world, and each person with a disability has a unique way of dancing through life, whether relying on crutches, walkers, wheelchairs or a penguin-like waddle. That sexy sashay may be done with the shoulders, a facial expression, or the way a person uses their control straw. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always translate well to the rest of the world.
Generally people don’t wander through the bar or a bookstore thinking to themselves, “I need to meet someone who uses a wheelchair.” For most of us, the extra equipment is just part of the charm, but it could also be the barrier that keeps people from even saying hello. In the end, though, self-confidence is one of the sexiest things a person can wear.
Humans have an almost inexhaustible supply of sexual preferences, kinks and positions. Whether you tried and liked, or tried and hated, sexuality and sex itself is as fluid and mobile as any two (or more) people can make it. There probably isn’t a position mankind hasn’t figured out how to perfect or improve upon. It is no coincidence that the centuries-old Kama Sutra is an all-time best seller.
For a person with a physical disability, that’s only the beginning. Forget just trying to explore another person’s body, imagine discovering a partner’s abilities. That conversation can be awkward or fun, depending on comfortable levels. It can also quell some of those misconceptions about disability sexuality, such as whether a person who is paralyzed can still experience an orgasm or that people with disabilities are all in a lot of pain or feel nothing at all. Each aspect of a person’s disability is as unique as the individual who lives with it and their needs are equally unique. So how does one answer all of these questions about how it’s done? By asking.
Sounds like a lot of work? For some it can be. But every partnership requires a healthy dose of communication, desire and trust to succeed.
Each scar, muscle twitch and assistive device leads to the same thing that fuels any healthy relationship — communication. Not all disability-related issues are visible or sexy, such as needing to use a catheter or an ostomy bag. Some disabilities are invisible, such as psychological or emotional disabilities. Is it true that a person who is blind is great with their hands? Is it true that a person who is deaf needs to have light on in order to communicate with their partner’s body? Ask them. Open that line of communication.
Every human being is a sexual being and each is a book with a different cover. Don’t judge that “book” by its cover, there may be a potent sexual being inside.
You can reach Angela by e-mail at angela.vanostran@gmail.com